RANTS! FRESH RANTS!

Suicide

I am yet again tearing my body tissues apart by staying up late at night. I am slowly killing myself every single night that I deprive myself of sleep at the right time.

I have a lot of issues that needs fixing, so much to improve myself.

Overrated

Dear you.

I have so much to say!

I’ve been staring at the computer for hours doing my usual internet thing. I come across multitudes of trying hard people. I have always hated them, primarily because I myself is a sheer trying hard person as well. 

I try hard on arts and here comes these trying hard people, doing good. It slaps me in the face. Although I know what I am feeling is unhealthy, as much as I’d like to get rid of this thing I do, I don’t know how. It seems natural.

And as long as I stare at other people’s work, be it in photography, making films, painting, photo-editing, doodling, writing and even dressing up, the more I am sucked up deeper in a whirlpool of sour envy and bitter hate, my face becomes less attractive—which causes me another insecurity.

I suppose I have a severe case of insecurity, and slowly my soul is dying, this disease out of ego and self-centeredness is slowly creeping up on me and eating me whole. Slowly, it ruins my entire self, ridding me of doing what is supposed to make me happy.

Why am I so envious of thing, why wouldn’t I get secured with myself? Why is this illness bothering me, and how can I afford to entertain it?

I have made resolutions countless of times, but it just keeps on coming back, this disorder I have, that looks on people with sharp green eyes, ready to cut their guts with my teeth because of pure envy.

There is this guy from high school that I have always hated because of his talent. He sings, he plays the guitar, he tries hard on photography, he edits photos and most of all, he draws. Drawing is one of my greatest frustrations, although I can doodle quite nice images, I cannot materialize what my mind has actually formed behind my skull.

And just moments ago, I’ve come across him in Facebook, and I am so stupid enough to browse his profile and envy swooped on me quickly until I had enough will to write this thing.

Then when I get to college, there is this person that does the same. He dresses well, in fact better than me. I can’t say anything about dressing up, we don’t have much money to sustain that form of leisure so most of the time, I wear clothes that serves only its main purpose: covering your naked body.

So he is better than me with that, I can’t contend. But his graphic works suck. I admit, I can’t go farther than creating a shape in graphic designing because I know not a single thing about it, I don’t even know how to start, but his works suck so much compared to people that really do it since it was a gift of heaven to them the moment they were born.

But he has the guts to post it here in Tumblr, what bugs me is that he is hailing it as beautiful, which I think  not. That guy has a classmate that is way worse than him. It’s like ten times worse!

Now this guy that has an ugly mark on his face is so full of himself. He seemed to forget about this hideous black patch on his face. In fact, he might be excelling because of this colored patch across his face. He makes it an inspiration to continue competitive things so that the people will instead notice his medals than his huge spot in the face.

People celebrate him.

Well, he should be. He deserves it. He’s an achiever. But sometimes people get so blind that they tend to not see that this guy’s head is slowly inflating. Don’t they realize the way he talks? It’s all about himself, how great he is, how spontaneous he is, how he do various of stuff. He is starting to act as a celebrity.. well he has numerous of followers in fact. No one dares to confront him, because no one sees about this thing that he is acting.

They’re getting on my nerves. It is never healthy it is never good.

I am forever a bitter gourd on the corner of the corridor walking alone, hands on the pocket, waiting for my turn to be noticed. But for now, I will be a hater. I wish not to hate, but they’re keeping me to hate, cos nobody sees how overrated they are becoming!

Call me a hater. Yes, in fact I’d like to create a society of bitter haters. I am actually surprised how pathetic this entry have become, that these are the things that came out from me. But at least, admitting is one of the steps of resolving a problem.

I hope I get well soon of being sick of overrated people.

Bloggy dear,

Things happen for a reason.

Music and Writing

That’s great. I’ve just learned that I could write news when the music is off. On the other hand, I can’t write any literary entries without music. So the point is that, music stirs the heart and silence enhances the mind. Think about that.

And so, from that little discovery, I’d like to give myself another chance to try on with journalism. I mean news writing. It was fun when you get to write technically. It’s like some sort of a brain game like sudoku or a tough edition of a cross word puzzle. So in that case, silence could be helpful.

Music brings out emotions, so that means when the music is turned on, if you’re feeling lazy about the dull work you’re doing, like for example an in-depth hard news, your emotion will get amplified and you might end up giving  up on that darn job.

But then, it’s a case to case basis. When you love what you’re doing, it’s best to stick with music. As I’ve observed, music amplifies, intensifies and elevates an emotion or feeling thus increasing productivity level.

Nevertheless, since I’ve finished that news article about fire drills at the school campus I am now resorting to music, and it feels so damn good. I’m listening to this playlist of Passion Pit, BTW.

Friends, to start with

Friends, they come and go. Some are easily acquired and some are difficult to please. They ride in fast gleaming cars that when you’re riding a rusty tin junk, you’re sure to eat dust. They dash, you squirm, they fly, you crawl.

Call me bitter, that’s fine. But as far I know, within those years that I was exposed to a large number of people inside a classroom, I learned that we can’t always be sure and that we can’t always be comfortable on how things go. We can’t be sure about those lovely smiles, those friendly jokes and thugs, those laughs and all.

I have no friends. That’s terrible you might think, that’s what I think too. But I don’t know, is it really hard to find the right friend or is it just me? I choose friends, I get turned off quite easily. But usually, the worst people you could think of are the best people to be friends with at the end.

Probably I just assume too quickly. I really don’t know. So I’ll just concentrate on the idea that I come to school to learn. And to learn, I have to study. Studying doesn’t require a lot of happy times with friends, although friends can be a good source of materials, if you know what I mean.

Concentrating on studying will help me forget that I am a self-centered introvert green eyed monster that preys on people for friendship. Pathetic, I know that.

That is why I created this blog in the first place. Nobody knows me, nobody reads this, nobody cares about this. I can freely write whatever I feel and enjoy the joy of anonymity at the same time.

It just concludes to one point—I am self-centered.